God Story 36: When My Stillborn Daughter’s Father (and I) Found Peace After 43 Years

A friend of mine, Lori T., called me on March 28, 2011, to relay a dream she had.

“…She [Lori] was at my house and I told her I was getting married… I was engaged.  I was going to be moving to Charlotte after getting married.

“The ring I showed her was silver and had a blue sapphire center stone with two rows of small diamonds around it in a wave pattern.

“She asked me how I met him and I told her I met him online at a dating service.

“My friend was surprised that I would look for someone online, but was happy for me.”

At first, I disregarded the dream, believing, at the time, that whatever prophetic insight one receives for someone else is actually for themselves. However, the next morning, I remembered that when I was eighteen I was given a silver, blue star-sapphire ring with a swirl pattern holding two diamonds. It was a gift to me from Rachel’s father.

I shared this dream with another friend who suggested I try to contact him. I blurted out, “Why would I do that?”

That night I laid in bed for hours, unable to sleep. I kept seeing the image of my daughter Rachael looking away from me through a chain-linked fence in a dream I had a few years before (see God Story 1). I sensed she was concerned about her father and wanted him to be with her in heaven one day.

Frustrated over not being able to sleep with all this on my mind, I sat up in the bed and said to the Lord, “What is it!? What do You want!?”

The Lord said, “You owe him an apology.”

“What? I owe him an apology?”

It was then that I remembered my last conversation with him shortly after delivering our still-born baby.

When I told him she had died from hydrocephalus, he told me he had the same disorder when he was born but had surgery to correct it. Angered by this, I said, “So you’re the reason my baby is dead!  It’s your fault! I don’t ever want to talk to you again!” and hung up.

Recalling this conversation jolted me as I realized how harsh and cold I’d been toward him.

God was right! (Surprise of surprises!) I owed him an apology.

As I’m writing this, I remember Ephesians 4:31-32, which says,

“Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.” (Living Bible Translation)

At this point, still fully awake at 3:00 in the morning, I went on Facebook to find him, unable to even remember what he looked like. I remembered his hometown and the name of the college he attended. His name was common, so I figured it would take some time. Amazingly, five screens later, I found him, sent him a message and the conversation began.

I asked him what he was doing in 1967-68.

The next day he replied, “I was in ET school around that time. Why do you ask?”

With a little research, I discovered ET school was Engineer Tech School in the Navy which is where he was serving when I met him.

I told him my maiden name (Engeldinger) and that I had lived in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at that time.

In reply, I said, “Some recent events have compelled me to write to apologize to you. You were not responsible for the baby’s death. It was no one’s fault. I blamed you and said many hurtful things to you. I can only say I am sorry for those cruel words. Please forgive me. Events that I have buried deeply away many years ago have surfaced for me to face and resolve. Now, I am free from the past and hopefully this will set you free as well. Rachael is buried at Lindenwood Cemetery in Fort Wayne, IN. There’s a stone on the grave. I guess my dad placed it there. It says, ‘Infant Girl Engeldinger 1968’. She was born August 22nd. – Pursuing peace, Sharon Engeldinger Killion”

He responded, “I cannot believe it…I have searched for you. I will respond after the shock wears off…a shock that I have bourne for the last 43 years…”

The next day he wrote, “I have searched and searched for you and you found me – go figure. Nothing that you said or did those years ago could have damaged the way I felt for you…for many years after…I still fondly recall our time together. To this day – I wish we could have worked through those issues that pulled us apart – I loved you and your family… I hope we can be friends. Love – Ed”

I replied: “It is so interesting how differently we recall the past. I felt so rejected and shamed that I buried all those memories and never looked back.”

Then he responded: “I don’t blame you. I knew that what I did was going to hurt several people, but I also thought it was the only thing to do at the time. I am sorry for that, deeply sorry.” [Note: He didn’t want to marry me and didn’t help financially when I went to the home for unwed mothers.]

My response: “I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago.”

His reply: “Thank you. I still think about you from time to time. I probably always will.”

My response: “It’s strange seeing your picture on Facebook wearing your Navy uniform. I forgot what you looked like. I guess it’s funny what the mind does to cope. Last week a friend of mine had a dream about me with a blue sapphire and diamond ring. I had totally forgotten about the ring you gave me.”

His reply: “It was a Christmas gift – I flew back early to spend time with you before I had to go back to school at Great Lakes.” 

My response: “Wow! I guess you really did care about me.”

His reply: “I remember it like it was yesterday, not 43 years ago.”

Then I asked about his family and told him about mine. I asked if his children knew about their half-sister. I told him my sons were told about Rachel when they were preteens.

He responded: “I haven’t mentioned our baby to anyone in deference to you. I wasn’t about to cause you any additional harm.”

My reply: “I’m so glad that after all these years we have found peace. I don’t expect you to fully understand or even believe this, but I was led by God to find you and apologize to you. I’m amazed that I found you so easily and we were able to forgive the hurts of the past. You and your entire family will remain in my prayers. They are Rachel’s family and so, indirectly, will also be mine. I do not believe that it would be appropriate to continue communicating with you. You are married and I do not want to cause any trouble in your personal life…I pray that God will richly bless your entire family and keep you in His care. He truly loves you. He desires for there to be closure and now, it is complete. I’m filled with joy to know that Rachel is restored to her rightful place in your life. She has her Dad back.”

His reply: “If that’s what you choose – so be it, however, I can assure you that your continued friendship will cause no problems.”

After not responding, he defriended me on Facebook, out of respect for me I think, finally bringing closure to 43 years of unresolved pain.

Perhaps Rachel was now no longer looking away from me through that chain linked fence I saw that night, knowing her dad was finally healed.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:13-14 New International Version

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God Story 28: When Dad Died

It was a Sunday morning on December 30, 1990. I had just come home from working the night shift at the hospital when the phone rang. It was Marie, my dad’s second wife, who told me Dad had just died. He was having severe abdominal pain and was quite pale and as they helped him into the back seat of the car to take him to the Emergency Room, his head fell back and he died.

Marie asked if I would call my sister, Sue, to let her know. She wasn’t comfortable calling Sue, since she and Dad had had a falling out some time before and were not speaking.

Now, before I continue, let me share some backstory. When my Dad married Marie in 1983, she insisted he could never speak with us unless it was on speaker phone so she could hear every conversation. Over time, this eroded our relationship with him until one day my dad and sister had an argument over it and he told her she was no longer his daughter.

After I hung up with Marie, I called my sister. When she answered the phone and heard my voice, she said to me, “Dad’s died, hasn’t he?”

Surprised, I said, “Yes. How did you know?”

She told me she had just awakened from a dream wherein…

Sue was with Dad in the living room of our childhood home in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The stereo was playing. Marie was in the kitchen, and Sue and Dad were alone. Dad, lying on the couch, was very pale. He was dressed in white and there was a white glow all around him. He motioned for her to come closer and hugged her, saying, “I love you, and I will always love you.”

Then she woke up and immediately heard the phone ringing.

After talking with her, my perception, was (and is to this day) that my dad, in that moment between life and death, was given the opportunity to right a wrong. His words of love made possible a pathway to healing for my sister and gave her peace and strength to move forward, attend the funeral, and participate in the family gatherings that followed.

The relationship between Dad and Sue was restored through this dream. His words to her righted wrongs in her heart to facilitate forgiveness and healing that only our heavenly Daddy could provide.

Here are some pictures of my dad in Milwaukee in 1985…

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God Story 27: The Holy Spirit, the Post-Abortion Girl & Me

Several years ago, I connected with a young woman who had an abortion five weeks before and was suffering with anxiety and panic attacks.

She told me her story, how she met a young man and fell in love. Their relationship progressed and she soon found herself pregnant. Then, everything changed. He began pressuring her to have an abortion. She didn’t want to, but he made it clear that if she didn’t have the abortion their relationship would end. Feeling alone, without guidance or support, not having told her parents about her situation, she consented and went to an abortion clinic for the procedure.

Soon after, the boyfriend rejected her and ended the relationship.

We both wept as she told her story.

Then, I told her how I had an unplanned pregnancy in 1968 and would have had an abortion too if it had been legal (See God Story 1). Having lost the young man I loved as well, I told her I understood how she felt.

“Do you believe in God?” I asked.

She explained, “I used to go to church with my parents, but since being in school and dating this young man, who didn’t believe in God, I haven’t given Him much thought.”

The anxiety she was experiencing was from the enemy, I explained. “God leads His people gently like a Good Shepherd, but the devil drives us, pressuring us to make quick decisions. First, the pressure is applied to get the abortion, and then, when you’ve had it, the enemy immediately turns on you and condemns you for what you’ve done.” She shook her head and admitted, “That was exactly what happened to me.”

I said, “Do you believe God is omnipresent: always present, everywhere?”

She said, “Yes.”

I said, “He’s here with us right now?” (attempting to get her to personalize His nearness)

She slowly responded, “Yes.”

I said, “So… what do you think He is saying to you, right now?”

Her facial expression changed. With a furrowed brow, looking very troubled, she turned to me. Then, just as suddenly, her expression softened, she quietly responded, “He forgives me, doesn’t He?”

Nodding, I replied, “Yes… that’s why He came and died for our sins on the cross… He loves you.” We hugged again, crying.

I went on to tell her about the importance of forgiveness, how unforgiveness destroys us emotionally and even physically. I also told her that just as Jesus forgave her, He would now empower her to forgive the father of her baby. I explained that forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice we make, and as we, moment-by-moment forgive, eventually our feelings will align with our choice, letting us know we have truly forgiven. I recommended that whenever she felt anger or animosity toward him that she could say over herself, “I forgive him. I choose to forgive him.” (Note: It really makes a difference to say this out loud. It changes us and the atmosphere.)

This process, I assured her, will take time, but the bitterness and anger will go as she faithfully deals with it.

I also told her the panic attacks, fear, and anxiety would eventually vanish because “perfect love (God’s love) casts out all fear.” (1 John 4:18)

She asked me what to tell her parents who knew nothing about her pregnancy. I encouraged her to not be in a hurry, but to ask God to guide her in this situation and He would show her when and how to proceed, just as He had spoken to her moments earlier.

We prayed together, and she left much lighter than when she came.

I told Joel about my encounter with this young woman (without mentioning her name) and how I just followed God’s leading.

“What if God hadn’t shown up and helped her to see His love?” I asked him.

He looked at me and said, “Mom, you threw Him a softball, and He hit it out of the park!”

This reminded me of what Jesus promises all of us…

“…Don’t even give one thought about what you will say. Simply speak what the Holy Spirit gives you at that very moment. And realize that it won’t be you speaking but the Holy Spirit repeatedly speaking through you.” Mark 13:11, The Passion Translation

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God Story 16: Forgiving My Mother-in-Law at the Ball Game

My husband and I separated in 1996 after nearly 25 years of marriage and divorced about two years later.

In 1998, Joel, Tyler and I visited Milwaukee, Wisconsin where I had grown up and some of my family still lived. We stayed with my sister and her husband.

During our trip, we went to a Brewer’s baseball game at Miller Stadium with my sister, her husband, my aunt and cousins. It was a beautiful day.

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As we were eating hot dogs and singing along with the stadium music, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked around and saw my brother-in-law, who lived in Racine (south of Milwaukee) with his family. He said, “Hey Sharon! I’m sitting up top with mom. You want to say ‘Hi’?”

Now, to provide context, I had heard my mother-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was not going to survive. I hadn’t spoken with her in years and we were never close. She was very particular about how everything was to be done and let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I didn’t meet her standards. Whether it was managing our finances, cleaning the clothes or beating the eggs, it was never good enough. In fact, I learned she blamed me for our failed marriage. Needless to say, I really had no desire to discuss the actual facts with her.

Back to the baseball game — I agreed to go up with Joel and Tyler to see my former mother-in-law. As we climbed, I kept saying within myself, “No walls, Lord. Please, no walls.” I knew I had held hard feelings against her through the years and had struggled to remain in a state of forgiveness. I also knew this would certainly be my last time seeing her and, therefore, had to walk out this forgiveness once and for all.

When we reached their seats I looked at her and spontaneously smiled. It was a miracle! (Speaking of a miracle, what are the odds that she would be there at that game, in that section of the stadium? As William Paul Young, author of The Shack, has said, “Coincidence has a Name!“) I had no walls! Jesus was my peace Who had torn down the walls in my heart (Ephesians 2:14). He was my refuge and strength, my very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). Like David, in Psalm 3:4, I had cried out to the Lord and He had heard me. And so, I hugged her and told her I was so sorry for all she was going through. We had a short and pleasant conversation. It was a peaceful conclusion to a very rocky relationship.

In all the years I had interacted with my mother-in-law, I prayed God would help me be a good “mom” to my future daughters-in-law.  I asked Him to give me love for them, without judgment or criticism. And now I know that if it hadn’t been for my own difficult experiences I may not have the wonderful relationship I have today with my beautiful daughter-in-law, Lauren. Everything I endured truly worked together for good (Romans 8:28).

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God Story 12: When God Healed My Back

In 1990, I began having back trouble. I had injured myself several times, requiring a chiropractor, rest, a heating pad, etc. The residual effect was back pain that kept me from sleeping on my stomach or my back. I was so stiff and sore when I woke up in the morning that my husband had to roll me out of bed to sit up. And when I stood in one place for more than a few minutes, my legs began to tremor.

This is what my original copy looked like.

However, I believed in, cleaved to, trusted in, relied on and habitually committed myself to the care of my Great Physician (see John 6:28-29 in the Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)). First thing each morning, I would sit on the side of the bed and thank Him for healing me. Then, throughout the day, whenever I experienced symptoms, I thanked Him for my healing. I mined all the scriptures on healing I could find and took them like medicine by repeatedly reading, meditating over, and declaring them over myself. I also read a small book by Dodie Osteen, called Healed of Cancer, and used it as my guide. I knew that salvation means “wholeness and soundness in every area of life” (not just a ticket to heaven when I died). I trusted that with the stripes that wounded Him, I was healed and made whole (see Isaiah 53:5 and II Peter 2:24).

I also understood that feeding a problem makes it grow, while starving it, kills it. And so I rendered it powerless by not talking or complaining about my condition.

Me with Joel and Tyler in 1990, when the backpain began.

Furthermore, it was clear to me that forgiveness was a vital key to my healing and so I forgave everyone for everything and asked forgiveness, keeping short accounts with God and man. God had forgiven me so much in my life that I could surely forgive the little others had done to me (see Matthew 18:23-35).

It happened gradually over ten months, until one morning I woke up and realized I was whole.

Since I didn’t have health insurance at the time, First Thessalonians 5:23-24 (AMPC) was my health insurance policy…

“And may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete [and found] blameless… Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you].”

 

 

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God Story 1: I Wanted An Abortion

Sharon Killion

In the Spring of 2009, I spent a week in the North Carolina mountains at Restoring the Foundations, a ministry that walks you through the significant events of your life, guiding you through prayer, repentance, forgiveness and ultimate restoration.  It was amazingly effective.

I was told that during the five days of ministry I might experience dreams or other communications from the Lord that would reveal additional information to facilitate inner healing.

On the third night I had a dream.

I was driving a small pickup truck in an inner city area at night.  A white SUV passed me and pushed me off the road.  We both stopped.  I got out of my vehicle, irritated, and walked toward the SUV.  The driver was sitting on the hood of the vehicle grinning at me.  He was wearing a short lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck.  I looked at his name tag.  It said, Dr. Roe.

I said to him, “Do I know you?”  He nodded yes, still smiling.

I looked behind me and saw a young girl (perhaps 8 years old) on the other side of my truck.  She was facing away from me looking through a tall chain link fence into a dimly lit industrial park.

I woke up and then got ready for the day, still pondering the dream but telling myself it didn’t mean anything important.

Then I got it!

That day, during my session with the couple that was counseling me, I shared my dream and how I had gotten pregnant out of wedlock when I was 18, which was uncommon and taboo in 1968.

When I found out I was pregnant, the doctor told me he could have sent me to New York City for an abortion if I had come earlier, during the first trimester.  At that moment, I was sorry I hadn’t come sooner.

Later, I ended up going away to a home for unwed mothers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and, at 36 weeks I stopped feeling the baby move.  The heart had stopped beating.

Three days later, I went into labor and delivered a stillborn baby girl.  She had a birth defect which took her life.  The little girl in my dream, who was facing away from me, was my little girl and Dr. Roe was a sign pointing to the legalization of abortion from the Supreme Court case of “Roe vs Wade” in 1973.

In my “I got it” moment, I understood what Jesus said in Matthew 5:21-22 regarding our heart intentions — If you are angry with your brother, it is the same as killing him.

For me personally, my intention to have an abortion, if I could have, was, in God’s eyes, the same as if I had had one.  My heavenly Father was so kind, even gentle, in showing me my broken, flawed heart.

Through repentance and prayer, with tears, I made it right with God and my daughter and received His forgiveness and, I believe, hers as well.

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