Mozambique, Part 5: The Last Two Days of Darkness

It was my third day in Mozambique. I was still struggling, crying, broken at night. At this point, I had used most of my paper products for all the tears.

The next morning, at 2:00 am, I woke up, inspired to pray the Jabez prayer in First Chronicles 4:10 for Iris Ministries (the ministry hosting me in Mozambique).

Here’s what I wrote:

Then, I opened the devotional I used on this trip, Francios Fenelon’s Let Go, and opened to Letter 29:

Then, I noticed this further down on the page:

This reading so spoke to me that I wondered about reading on to the next day for a clue of what was to come, but I heard Him say so clearly to me, “I only give you enough grace for today!”

Then, I went on to write my Lectio Divina (meaning Divine Reading) and Oratio (Prayer):

The next night, early in the morning, He woke me up. I began to write about more of my feelings…

Then I opened Letter 30 of Fenelon’s Let Go:

Further down, two statements jumped out to me:

As I finished this time with Him, the sun began to rise.

When I went to take a shower, I began to cry out for help, asking for release from this struggle.

Afterward, I had breakfast with some new people from Louisiana. But something was wrong inside. I felt something, as I later wrote (along with some of what took place later that day)…

And that same day I met a friend…

Here’s Joseph, who I later call Jose…

From this point on, the heaviness lightened and the days got brighter.

To be continued…

Read Full Post »

Mozambique, Part 4: When I Neared the End of My Hell

My bed, where I would spend time with the Lord. Notice the mosquito net?

Journal entry — Friday, April 26, 2002

Awake at 4:10 am – I’m seeking You, Lord. Still crying through my time with You in the middle of the night. All of my insecurities have surfaced and my brokenness is tangible. I feel so vulnerable. It’s like the floodgates have opened. Where is all this grief and emptiness coming from?

I’m fasting. Have been taking liquids and a protein bar yesterday. Also a packet of vitamins.

I’m still using Francois Fenelon’s book, Let Go, for my devotional and writing those phrases that speak to my heart:

“…God will certainly sustain you in your time of suffering. I can certainly understand how difficult it is for you to wait before God and do all the things you used to do, but be as faithful as you can… A person who is in such a time of distress as you, needs to look to God for sustenance, even though you may not feel like doing it.

“Do not be overly concerned about your feelings at this point. I am happy to tell you that God is not expecting any particular kind of emotion from you. All He asks is that you remain faithful. And I rather think that a faithfulness unsustained by pleasant emotion is far purer and reliable than one which depends on tender feelings. Faith which is built on emotion is resting on a very changeable foundation…” (from the chapter entitled, Letter 28)

Fenelon’s words speak so clearly to how I’m feeling. You, O Lord, are giving me the grace to persevere and be fully functional during the day. Amazingly, no one in my room ever wakes up as I quietly struggle through the night.

God reminded me of Micah 6:8:

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself andwalk humbly with your God?” (Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC))

Later I made this journal entry of the day’s events:

Woke up with a desire to speak to Pastor Peter (from Calgary, Canada) who spoke at church service last night. I shared with him my struggles since I arrived and my belief that I was not here to minister in the medical area, but as an intercessor.

He really had compassion for me and encouraged me, telling me that he believed I’m here to encourage, comfort and edify the nurses who labor here.

Met Marilyn, Theresa and Terry from Canada at breakfast.

Wrote an e-mail to be sent to Joel and Tyler (my sons), telling them of my safe arrival.

The garbage dump

We (Iris Ministry workers and volunteers) participated in the ministry offered to those who live in and around a great garbage dump this morning, from 9:30am to 12:30pm. Several of us visited huts in the surrounding area inviting the residents to come to the meeting. There are many families living at this multi-acre garbage heap, smoke rising continually from it’s midst. Children walking barefoot through the trash and glass.

Heidi Baker ministered the gospel and allowed all of us short term ministers to share our testimonies (one of the team members translated our words into Portuguese). Heidi has an amazing ability to reach the lost. The poor are drawn to her.

The full-time missionaries set up a Medical clinic afterwards to care for the needs of the  sick and poor. Paula, a nurse from New Zealand, is the full time missionary that oversees this work. She knows the local dialect, Portuguese, and is truly amazing as she works to meet the varied needs of all the people who come.

Me (the short one :)) with Cheryl, Melodie and Katlin (from left to right)

Katlin, a young medical student from Canada, stuck herself with a safety pin as she was redressing a wound and became frazzled for fear of contracting AIDS. We rallied around to support and encourage her.

Later, Katlin confided in me that she came to Mozambique because her mother wanted her to, not from any personal desire or leading. Her mother was sending her on safari in South Africa after her time at Iris Ministries, so she was looking forward to that. My thought was, “this is difficult enough when You send us here, my Lord. How difficult it is without Your calling and empowering. Please help her, Lord.”

Took short nap.

Went to youth conference with several of the short-term missionaries. Three new short-term missionaries have come from Louisiana, Dr. Jim, his wife Diane, and friend, Melodie.

Nuberto

Nuberto, the Iris Ministry youth pastor, led the meeting. Special speaker, Nico, (short-term missionary), spoke  on “love”. Most of the service was in Portugese. How awesome the youth are!

As I was sitting there, I thought of Genesis 1:2-3, and as I read it in the Amplified Bible, You added a personal message for me:

“The earth (Sharon) was without form and an empty waste, and darkness was upon the face of the very great deep. The Spirit of God was moving (hovering, brooding) over the face of the waters.”

“And God said, ‘Let there be light (Sharon); and there was light.'” (AMPC)

After the service I returned to the compound to get something to drink and go to bed. I saw a handwritten note on the bulletin board in the dining room. It was Song of Solomon 2:11-13 (King James Version) and  reminded of a card I received from my friend, Lori, just before I left for Mozambique. She had written this same scripture.

“For lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.

“The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove
Is heard in our land.

“The fig tree puts forth her green figs,
And the vines with the tender grapes
Give a good smell.
Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away!”

In light of all my personal distress, Lord, are these promises for me to hold on to? “Let there be light” and let “the time of singing” come, O Lord!

Read Full Post »

Mozambique, Part 3: Day 1 at Ground Zero

The Featured Image for this blog shows me smiling but it was taken near the end of the trip. At the beginning, I wasn’t smiling inside.

On Wednesday, April 24, 2002, I was met at the Maputo Airport in Mozambique, Africa by very friendly and helpful Iris Ministry personnel who helped me with my luggage, which consisted of two large suitcases and a full carry-on. (I had brought toys for the children and other items suggested by the ministry. The hospital where I worked had given me baby blankets, diapers and t-shirts for the infants at the orphanage).

After going to an ATM machine to get Mozambican money I was taken to the grocery store to buy food for the next week. We arrived at the Iris Ministry compound just as the sun was going down. I was introduced to several short term missionaries but found it difficult to concentrate. I felt like I was in a stupor. Their enthusiasm was exhausting. I just wanted to be alone.

Here’s the house where I stayed with other short-term missionaries.

I had help getting my luggage to my room in one of the cinder block buildings. There were three sets of bunk beds in the room, each overhung with mosquito netting (malaria is prevalent in Mozambique). The top light was bright and I was feeling like my ability to cope was coming to an end. “Perhaps I’m just tired,” I thought.

After claiming exhaustion, I went to bed around 9:30 pm, even though the light was still on and a crowd was gathered there. I pulled the covers over my head and shut the world out.

Here’s what I journaled the following morning:

“Woke up at 3:00 am. Feeling overwhelmed! I don’t know anyone here. Am totally out of my comfort zone. Feeling isolated and like I don’t fit in. I’m struggling with self-worth. I can’t stop crying (silently, because I have two roommates). Am using a flashlight to see well enough to read my Bible, devotional and write in my journal.

“The tears are just non-stop. Can’t believe I feel this broken. Keep thinking I just have to pull myself together but am powerless to snap out of it.”

Then, I wrote a prayer to Him:

“Overwhelmed at all there is to do here. What would You have me do, Lord?
“I have come under your direction, Lord. Help me to follow You. I love You.”

Next, I read Letter 27 of Fenelon’s book, Let Go as my devotional to help focus me. Here are the parts that really spoke to me, that seemed especially relevant:

“…This is a time of great confusion for you, and nothing seems to make any sense. You are imagining things which aren’t true at all. But this is the ordinary reaction to great suffering… Now I know you want to do the will of God and God will certainly be glorified, if you are faithful in yielding to His plans…

“…After you have settled down, make your decisions carefully, then begin to carry out the will of God as you see it. I know this time of distress has been hard on you, but begin now to get back to devotion and simplicity and selflessness. You talk with God, and let Him talk with you. Pay no attention to self…

“…The only way we can profit from His Counsel is to maintain a willingness to sacrifice anything for His sake, no matter how much it hurts self.”

While reading this and still crying, Isaiah 40:31 came into my mind:

“They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.”

After this time with the Lord, crying till dawn, I eventually got up when everyone else did and went to take a cold shower (the only kind of shower available to us) to get ready for the day.

Later that day, I wrote down the events of that morning:

“Went to infant center today. Twenty babies 1-2 years. Bathed and dressed them. Helped hold and feed them. Cleaned beds and changed linen – washed down doors with Clorox water, and hung clean wash out to dry.

“‘Lo, it is written in the volume of the book. I have come to do Thy will, O God.

“I love you, Lord. I need You. How can I help? What is it you want me to do? I desire to please you, my King, with all of my heart. Help me to serve You, O Lord, my God.

“Had welcome from Heidi Y. and Jennifer N. (hosts for Iris Ministries) with other short-term missionaries to discuss needs of ministry.

“Really wondering why I’m here. This is horrible…feeling awkward. Not knowing what to do. Want to be alone or with someone I know. Feel like 5th wheel – nothing new here. Break me out of this dilemma. Keep me from the ‘stay busy’ spirit. Everyone is frantic to stay busy – me included.

“Spend your life for God! Oh yeah.. How exactly do You want me to do this?

“Going to dump tomorrow (Heidi Baker is ministering to those who live there).”

Finally, at the end of the day, I wrote further:

“You are in control. Just got back from visiting clinic- no leading in this direction, but, You know my God. Too medical for me – I just can’t get into that [Note to reader: Though I was a career nurse, I didn’t go there just to do anything medical.]

“Help me, Lord! I need You! Hold me! I’m very insecure.

“First church service tonight. Children present. Holding and loving on them is easy. Much chaos, but sense again You are telling me to forget myself and minister to others. You are wanting to come here in me. Forgive me, I’m so selfish. I just want to find the way – show me Lord. I love you, Lord. Use me.

“I sense You are saying to me – Serve others. Be a servant to all.  ‘Forget yourself, lose sight of yourself, deny yourself.’“

To be continued…

 

Read Full Post »

Mozambique, Part 2: When We Talked Before the Storm

On Wednesday, April 24, 2002, while at Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg, South Africa, on my way to Mozambique, I wrote in my journal to the Lord…

Well, well, well…all is well.
I’ve crossed the Atlantic. Now in Johannesburg awaiting the last leg of my trip to Mozambique.
You are faithful…no doubt about it. I love You!
Grace, Lord, give me much grace to go forward.

Then, continuing my time with the Lord, I slowly and prayerfully read Letter 26 from Francois Fenelon’s Let Go (Note: Since 1997, I’ve practiced what is called listening prayer, using spiritual reading like this as a springboard to quiet my mind and open myself up spiritually to hear from the Lord what He wants to share with me.)

Here’s what I read…

As I read this, these two verses came to me:

“The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.” Psalm 34:18 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)

“…But this is the man to whom I will look and have regard: he who is humble and of a broken or wounded spirit, and who trembles at My word and reveres My commands.” Isaiah 66:2b AMPC

Then, while reflecting on Fenelon’s letter and these verses, I wrote to Him…

Finally, while still sitting in that airport terminal, He responded…

Little did I know that I was heading into a four day storm.

To be continued…

Read Full Post »

Mozambique, Part 1: Go to Africa? Alone?!

On August 24, 2001, I attended a Christian conference in Durham, NC.

Mozambique, Africa

Randy Clark, one of the speakers, showed a video of Iris Ministries in Mozambique, Africa, founded by Roland and Heidi Baker. They had (and still have) an orphanage, caring for hundreds of children and are also actively evangelizing rural areas and church planting. People from all over the world travel there for short and long term missionary opportunities, helping with the work.

As I watched the video, I heard, “I want you to go.” This surprised me, especially when He asked me to go alone, something far outside my comfort zone. And though I’d wanted to go to India and China for missionary work (being a long-time admirer of Mother Teresa’s work in India and Hudson Taylor’s work in China in the 1800s), I’d never had a leading to go to Africa.

When I returned home, I began applying for their short-term missionary program. I continued working on this for several weeks and then, getting busy with other things, dropped the ball.

On November 18, 2001, I went with a group of friends and family members to Winterville, NC where Heidi Baker was scheduled to speak. The service opened with worship music, and I heard, “I really want you to go to Mozambique.” I had totally forgotten what He said in August and felt I’d let Him down. All I could do was kneel and weep.

Lauren and Joel with me in 2002

When I got home, I resumed the application process and on April 23, 2002 was on my way to Mozambique, Africa.

The following is from my journal written during that time:

Tuesday, April 23, 2002 (written while in an Atlanta terminal)
Going to Mozambique — left home with Joel and Lauren at 0500.
Joel cried on the way and at the airport. He cried for me. I have few tears. Joel is bearing my load. I thank him for his love and burden bearing.
Took off from Raleigh. After a short while, the pilot got on the intercom and announced we had just passed Greensboro, NC, and would pass over Spartanburg, SC, before arriving in Atlanta.
It’s no coincidence that You, my Love, sent me alone to both of those cities to prepare me for this trip and who knows what else…
I’m not lonely or stressed at all. I feel calm and at peace in your rest my Love.
Underneath are the everlasting arms.
Some South Africans are here in the waiting room with lovely accents.
I still can’t believe I’m here and going away with You. What an adventure!

 

Then, as was my custom, I would read from my devotional, which, at that time, was Let Go by Francois Fenelon (1651-1715):

Then, Matthew 16:24 came to mind:

“If anyone desires to be My disciple, let him deny himself (disregard, lose sight of, and forget himself and his own interests) and take up his cross and follow Me (cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying also).” (Amplified Bible, Classic Edition)

And, finally, I remembered a prayer of Mother Teresa:

“God use me; do whatever you want with me; send me anywhere you want, but do not consult me.”

To be continued.

Note to reader: This is the first of several blog entries to come in my Mozambique Story series.

 

 

Read Full Post »